Jokes & More   

A blonde goes into a tapestry store and asks to buy curtains for her computer. The salesperson is surprised and asks the blonde why she would need curtains for her computer. The blonde replies, "HELLO?!? I have Windows!"

A guy goes into a restaurant wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything.

This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club, eh..."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

A grasshopper goes into a bar, the bartender says "That`s funny, we have a drink named after you" the grasshopper said "You have a drink named Steve?"

These two strings walk up to a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."

A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!". Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt". At this, the man called the bartender over.,"Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts...they're complimentary."

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says "You must be an executive."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

The Big Rocks of Life

A while back I was reading about an expert on subject of time management. One day this expert was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration I'm sure those students will never forget.

As this man stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar.

When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?" Everyone in the class said, "Yes." Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks.

Then he smiled and asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was onto him. "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. And he reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?"

"No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good!" Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked up at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?"

One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things into it!"

"No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all."

In the restroom at work,
the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

If 99.9% is good enough, in the United States alone:

• 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily;
• 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped each year;
• 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled each hour;
• 2-million documents will be lost by the United States Internal Revenue Service this year;
• 2.5-million books will be shipped with the wrong covers;
• Two planes landing at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day;
• 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled;
• 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year;
• 880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect
• cardholder information on their magnetic strips;
• 103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year;
• 5.5-million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat;
• 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly;
• 3,056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections.

A Japanese company and a California company
decided to have a canoe race on the Columbia river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the California team became very discouraged and depressed. The management of the California company decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team," made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Californians had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

So the management of the California company hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the management of California company laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they used the money saved by giving a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the rest of the money as bonuses to the senior executives.